Judge
The Judge
Calm, straight-faced and gloriously over-formal. Ideal when the dispute is already silly enough and merely needs the dignity of paperwork it has not earned.
Seven judges. Two lawyers. Not one ounce of jurisdiction.
Choose the personality you would least object to being judged by. None of them are known for excessive restraint.
Judge
The Sarcastic Judge
Listens to the same game evidence, but has limited patience for selective memory, theatrical excuses and the phrase “technically, I never said exactly that”.
Judge
The Relationship Counsellor
Softer in tone. Best for forgotten dates, domestic grumbles and moments when somebody needs to make the next cup of tea without opening negotiations.
Judge
The Friends’ Judge
Specialist in cancellations, rounds, snacks, favours and the unwritten constitutional law of the group chat. Entirely unrecognised by every legal system we checked.
Judge
The Family Tribunal
Deals with chores, favours, uneven effort and cases in which the principal evidence is “I ALWAYS do it”. Proceedings may involve sighing.
Judge
The Office Judge
For coffee, shared spaces and minor workplace nonsense that emphatically does not require HR. The communal fridge may be treated as a protected monument.
Judge
The Savage Judge
More roasting, less ceremony. The game score is unchanged; only the verbal consequences become slightly more hazardous to the ego.
The equally unofficial lawyers
Two different faces. Two different jobs. Zero automatic legal qualifications.
Maître Pataquès and the human lawyer have distinct avatars and roles. One is generated by the game; the other is a friend playing along. Both exist to make the mock proceedings more entertaining, not to give legal advice.
Court-appointed pretend counsel
Maître Pataquès
Generated by the game, Maître Pataquès searches the existing case for mitigation and delivers it with the confidence of somebody whose chambers may be above a kebab shop.
A friend pretending to be counsel
The Human Lawyer
A real person may step in, choose a defence strategy and argue for one side. This does not make them a lawyer, unless they already are one, in which case they should know better.
Fancy an entirely unnecessary hearing?
Play KIABUSE →Put a tiny argument through a ridiculous mock trial — purely for the laugh.
KIABUSE is a game, full stop. It is not a court, does not decide facts or rights, and has precisely zero legal authority.